so at 18 years of age, i began my swift descent into a living hell and this did not stop until i saw the bed of the SALVATION ARMY men's shelter in KNOXVILLE TENNESSEE. and it was that i began to search for the real GOD. i had been up to this date studying BUDDHISM and this pathway sent me to LAS VEGAS NEVADA to live at my sister's house. there in LAS VEGAS was a THAI BUDDHIST WAT and i went there daily seeking to become a monk. after some time i was approached by one of the monks and asked if i wanted to be a monk. yes i said. so he gave me a business card from a monk who oversaw this monastery on the other end of LAS VEGAS and he accepted me but i had to wait until he returned from BURMA where he was going on a pilgrimage to the temple of the EMERALD BUDDHA. time was of the most importance and it was running out. one day my sister spoke to me. SAM wants me to tell that he doesn't believe you are trying hard enough to get a job. well obviously i was not there to work in the sense that i wanted anything to do with the accumulation of worldly goods but wanted to do deep spiritual contemplation and soul searching. so SAM my sister's husband wanted me to move out. i was in despair and told her i already know what you are going to talk about so today i am packing my things and heading out into the desert to die. she was not having anything to do with that and said,"you will die out there!" my reply was to her i do not care if i had to die or not if that was what it would take, i was prepared to die. she finally talked me into taking money and a bus ticket to KNOXVILLE and this is how i ended up in the men's shelter. i had gotten into BUDDHISM because i was studying karate at the time and it seemed appropriate. and i was really practicing the religion as much as i could and every day it was karate too. i was looking for some peace of mind but there was no peace as i was being constantly picked on and falsely accused and lied about. it seemed that i was in  constant "hot water" all of the time. this was the first time out of twice i lived there in the shelter. this time i met a women from INDIA who was selling silver jewelry in the mall. she had a booth set up there. i felt so drawn to go and speak to her. i was ignorant of other cultures so i assumed that she was either a HINDU of the same as i was practicing BUDDHISM. i went over to her and began to ask questions. "are you a HINDU?" "no." "a BUDDHIST?" "no." "what is your religion?" i asked. she replied,"i am in ISLAM" i was surprised to say the least and i was fully indoctrinated into the notion that MUSLIMS were a bunch of raving fanatics and did not want peace but only war. this women did not fit within that framework. and i began to see that she had something real which i did not. her and i conversed for over an hour. and i was so impressed. some time before this i had prayed to GOD and told him that i needed a women and that i was not cut out for a life of celibacy. i had been accepted 2 times to be a BUDDHIST monk, once when i was living in CALIFORNIA studying karate. i began to attend the BUDDHIST temple who's congregation was from VIETNAM. i was looking to bring good into the world. this was what i told them when they asked me why i wanted to become a monk. i was aware that i wasn't doing well and had made myself a lot of bad karma and this was the reason i was homeless. I JUST WANTED TO ATONE MYSELF. it is ironic because there in KNOXVILLE i began my evil years and these years had now come full circle and there i was again, right back there in KNOXVILLE. stuck in a trap......